“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”