I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe