I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off