him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”