Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.