Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet