Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“Why you watching this shit?”