I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help