Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
*jingles half the way*
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose