Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.