“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

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-me after every wine at the wine-tasting


EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.


ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.


I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.


*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*



Calling me instead of just texting


WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”


if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it


One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”