“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.