Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.