Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You Might Also Like
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
titanic
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.