[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m being attacked 😭
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.