Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.