[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
So glad we cleared that up
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here