I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.