Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.