I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.