Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
You Might Also Like
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
That’s classic.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.