flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?