adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie