My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Real House Wines.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
2022: I can fix it
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”