Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.