My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”