“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
How it started: How it’s going:
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag