Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
This could be us… but you playing
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun