listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”