If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center