WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
You Might Also Like
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
boat question
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Driving in Europe vs Canada