KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”