If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist