I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.