How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Dance like you’re not the father
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.