How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.