My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
You Might Also Like
Cake!!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.