seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice