All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Going to church you guys need anything
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time