All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.