Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
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Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”