this country is so goddamn polarized
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.