he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar