I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.