Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
the #horror is real!
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump