While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
January has been Januweary
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.