Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar