I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Smile they said.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
We all have our pet causes.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.