dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.