My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
You Might Also Like
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Before & after 😅
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.