Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee