I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
You Might Also Like
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Risking my life for fun.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.