Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

road rage

the prophecies have been fulfilled

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

*seductively peels off lederhosen

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

The three genders.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of