“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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Storm Tropical Storm
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Kids: Stay in school.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.